Hilary Mantel said last year that the Prince Williams wife then to be Kate Middleton - now The Duchess of Cambridge - was a bubble headed Barbie Doll, who she branded as a 'shop-window mannequin with a plastic smile, whose only role in life is to breed.' Now let me see if she is right!
What I will do is to clear all the things off my mantelpiece to make a bit of space. Right, I have done that, and now I am going to put two photographs - that I just happen to have - one of Hilary Mantel and the other of Kate Middleton next to one another on the mantelpiece and have a good look at them both.
The first one is of Kate Middleton the Duchess of Cambridge at her wedding, and the second is of Hilary Mantel receiving her Booker prize. Now let me think! Which one would I prefer, there is only room for one photo? The first one is of a young woman looking happy at her wedding to Prince William and the other is of a rather smug looking person, with a funny face, receiving a literature prize.
No! I am sorry Hilary, but you will have to go. Call me old fashioned if you like, but if I had wanted to be surrounded by gargoyles, I would have bought a gothic castle in Scotland - with the proceeds of my two books Herodotus – The Gnome of Sofia, and Judas Goat - The Kennet Narrow Boat Mystery, which I am desperately trying to sell.
Now what shall I do with the photo of this woman with a rather physically challenged ‘boat race?’ I know, I will put it together with another rather revealing photograph I just happen to have, of Nigel Farage. They seem to have quite a lot in common one way or another, so I suspect they will probably get on quite well together.
He said some very personal things about poor old Herman van Rompuy’s looks – one day in the European Parliament – implying that not only was he funny looking, but he was a bit of a useless git as well. But we all know who the useless git is don't we? It’s good old Nigel himself! I can’t think why they pay him to be an MEP, if he wants to abolish the European Parliament? Anyway, his ‘boat race’ is a bit dodgy too, if I am not mistaken.
What I will do is keep Hilary and Nigel together in a cardboard box I have just found at the local supermarket. It is an empty box of Cadbury’s Chocolate Fingers so I had better write something on the side with my felt tipped pen. Now what shall I call it? I know. I will call it 'Patrick Brigham’s Box of Horrors!” Perfect!
WHO WOULD YOU PREFERE? YOUR COMMENTS PLEASE!